Joke of the month: Welcome Aboard!!!!

In-flight announcements are not entirely truthful.

What might an honest one sound like?

“GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is.

Please ensure that your seatbelt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed.

At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, it is not quite true: if we were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of and emergency landing.

But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

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The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits.

This is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention to:

‘knowing where the exits are makes a dramatic differences to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft’.

Also, please keep your seat belt fastened when seated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury.

Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be.

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Your life-jacket can be found under your seat.

In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is ZERO.

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The aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides.

Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides.

We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

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Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the navigation systems. At least, that’s what you’ve always been told.

The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn’t sound quite so good.

On channel 11 you will find a video with a voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein thrombosis.

We are aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to be fun.

It is mean to limit our liability in the event of lawsuits.

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Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal.

The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm.

Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated.

That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.

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So please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.

Cabin crew; please make sure we have remembered to close the doors.

SORRY, I mean: ‘Doors to automatic and cross-check’.

Thank you for flying Veritas

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Source: The Economist, September 9^th, 2006 – Fear of Flying